confusion in the midst

sunshine cool air
rainbows in the sky
cleanse my soul tonight
move me from this state of discontent
I'll move forward on the road to future quests
with joy and self acceptance
I love this state of mind
today
I answer to the Gods
love thy neighbor as my brothren
be kinder to my wife
glory to the newborn babe
and justice to the elders

mar08

heidi

my body can feel the weight of your desire in my minds eye
I remember how you smell and I miss your face above me
below me and beside me
my heart races at the thought of your presence again
in 24 hours
my senses respond in kind
warm washes over me and settles in my loins
dropped down from swelled heart and belly flip flopping
you are my wife, my lover, my joy
I look inside myself and strive to be a better me
because of you and I am gratefully blessed

apr08

Beale Street - Memphis

Beale Street Sunday afternoon
African festival
there's music everyhwere
oils and leather and bright colored garb
sales all over the world
babies crying and mothers lose their calm
as daddy's go on dancing to the beat of the drums

Apr08

stepmother

happy birthday shirley
you died too young
but it was your karma
and you really played it well
i suppose

i forgave you in my eleventh hour
destiny has it's way of showing up
and i know you only did what you knew
and someone must have harmed you too

a little girl was wounded
by the hand you laid so rough
and though that girl was wounded
you made her grow up tough

she grew to be a lovely one
so many know her name
she says i love you to the wind
she carries not your shame

this day

i wish you happy birthday now
i wish you love and happiness
i thank you for my difficulties
i thank you for the chance

to love you anyhow
with stairs falling
and fists flying
angry words so scary

you taught me well
my pain threshold is high
but so is my depth
and gratitude

happy birthday to you.

4/16

sisters

i spoke to debbie on the phone today
terry and i email she lives in Oregon
and sherry i call most mornings at 6am
though today she woke up late and couldn't chat

i love my sisters

they all have their sweet ways and their parents
different than mine for the most part
except debbie and i shared the same house as girls
and today is her mom's birthday omg she was an aries

i love my sisters

sisters share a blood bond even if they didn't know
and once learned it's like a connection gifted
from the universe, a woman put here just for me
i love my older sister and my younger sisters too

i love my sisters

mary was a pretty girl so tiny and so true
she loved me in so many ways she made me laugh
with her lovers fallen at her feet on any given day
she curled up in my arms some days and grief was on her mind

her life was full of emptyness and she turned it in at 31
the age when my life began and my daughter was conceived
she's with me in spirit every sunny day
and especially in the evenings i hold her dear always
i am a better me because of her and i'm grateful

i love my sisters

and this poem is really pretty bad...lol.

4/16/08

this moment in time - a reflection

does the world seem a dark place for those in mourning
or is it just inside ourselves we do not see the light
is it the missing of one loved that shuts out sun
and smiles and hugs on warm days and soft evenings
I'll pretend I know how to grieve for just a moment and say
tears flow like rivers when you experience the loss
hearts clam up like a steel safe locked to keep out the unwanted
if you avoid the situation and bypass the opportunity

my daughter turned 18 on the 2nd of April
her sperm donor dad stopped the checks

I'll move from provider and caregiver to bossy and meddling
if I'm not aware as my child becomes an adult in the world's eyes
I was 31 before I began the difficult process of growing up and
taking responsibility for myself emotionally - oh I paid the bills
I paid the dues too, hard earned addiction to anything that would
kill the pain and make it wait for even an hour before hurting, again

life isn't easy when you are present and showing up for every detail
but it's worth the effort; grow in reality or stay stifled in a dream
I hold each moment precious in my heart and pray that I can always get quiet
and turn to spirit for guidance through the difficult and joyful blessings
I know my life is moving forward to unforbidden pleasures and abundance,
silly little 50 yr old all covered with laughter and blue eyed wonder!!

15april08

eye of the unknown

you take a place to call your own where you can feel
but you do not share that space with me, just yet
what is this feeling I have when you are distant
I am wondering how to be in the midst of unknown thoughts
feelings that look like something they most likely are not
I am in love with a woman who feels things

once upon a time I was frail and afraid of everything
that you might leave me alone and in the midst of your destruction
now I only know that your love is real and ever present
and I cherish the building of history between us
longevity and experiences of love and laughter evermore

party animal you called me last night - I smile
truly we are not the women we used to be and yet we are
just having shed the darkness and dispair that childhood colored
if only for the moment and in this one, light shines through
and leaves are nubs upon a tree branch and grass is green

spring has awakened me and loves memory of you
long buried deep within the caverns of my heart
those around are witnessing the kaleidescope of 'us'
my life is better than I dreamed it ever could be
and the sun is shining on this day in April
thirteen years later and many moons of heartache healing


4/10/08