A New Day, a new life??

So it's been awhile since I wrote
living in some post crazy phase at home,
attempting to find peace where none wanted to reside.
Actually it's way better now, in some ways,
and a little scary in others, but all is well.

I've decided to invest in myself
therapy
business cards
Alanon meetings (soon truly soon)
and a new attitude toward those who would pull me in

There's a new baby on the way and I am so excited for Anthony
and mommy and daddy to have a baby girl. She's so lucky!

It's wonderful to enter a world surrounded by folks who want you there.
Wasn't quite that way for me but it's all in what you do with it, anyhow.

I could whine, and I did, but my mom loved me dearly. I saw it much later in life.
Her mental illness was in the forefront when we were little.
She's all better now, October 5th she'll be gone 4 years!
I miss her often, but I know she's close by.

I love my family.

Honest truth?

truth sayers
love givers
many are the few
who see with their own eyes
alone
the person that they be



help me with your words
truth sayer
give me love so kind
open up my heart to me
help me grow
and help me know
the me I do not see

5/8

Reflections

Marlena's father died on Thanksgiving Day
in John's Hopkins hospital with lung cancer
which he'd had for 6 months, according to the death certificate
that we got the day I checked the obituaries and found him,
by surprise.

You see, Marlena got a notice that the will hearing was being postponed
because her cousin was going on a cruise;
we didn't know anyone died until this notice came in the mail
in February - we thought it was her grandfather.

So I went to look up the obituary for him,
you can imagine what I went through when I realized it was her FATHER
a man I lived with for 7 yrs and loved like only one other,
my current lover (of 12 yrs). UGH.

It's very sad to me to imagine that any human being would let a child,
who never really had her dad, find out about his death
3 months later,
by way of a lawyer's notice of her inclusion in the will. Unimaginable.

I grieved terribly that first weekend, after I left work at noon,
picked Marlena up from college and shared the information with her.
She goes to the will hearing on April 6th.
We have driven by his home where she stood on the porch,
and said "he walked here every day when he went to/from work",
and looked in the kitchen window and said
"this is where he spent his time".

The grief for her is for what never was, and now what never will be.
He didn't call her when I told him he had a grandson,
but he left her in his will.
I hope he left alot; he wasn't able to give her much emotionally.
I really did love him.

This morning I dropped Ursula off to work
directly next to the building where Andrew worked
when he and I first started dating;
we had become friends over the previous year riding to work together.
I fell in love with him before our first date,
much like what happened with Ursula.

Funny - the turns life takes and the ways we learn about ourselves
and what it feels like to look back when there is no choice
other than to look back - no changing the future - only accepting the past.
Today is my mother's birthday and she died Oct 5, 2006.
Andrew was only 50 yrs old - we are mortal aren't we.