Sounds sad but it's not

I just returned from sunny Florida
where my partner currently lives,
helping with twin babies, her grandchildren,
and enjoying her daughter and Mya.

I woke up with a sinking feeling this morning
my partner is still in Florida and I am back
home in Baltimore, with all my beloved children,
and friends.

I love the sunshine and the beach, sunrises and
sunsets, and walking in the sand; I love warm weather.
Mostly I love the feel of my partners arms around me,
and her smile saying I love you without words.

Life is good and times are tough, we are all helping
each other - get started - get finished, planning to
move on and begin lives with their own families.
Helping to plan our futures whether in career or in
retirement, it's all about love and loving and giving.

Giving time, giving love, giving money, giving warmth.
Giving opportunity for futures, secure and happy and full
of peace and confidence.

I love my home, my home town, my homey girls, my friends.
I love my family - babies and big kids, growing up to
young adulthood. I miss my mom, and sister and I love
my siblings immensely - all of them. We are family.

So I'm back in Baltimore, and my partner lives in Florida.
I miss her, and I await her return with patience and
anticipation - for a new life beginning at 50-something.

...and I am smiling.

10/4/10

Heartprints

Whatever our hands touch -
We leave fingerprints!
On walls, on furniture
On doorknobs, dishes, books.
There's no escape.
As we touch we leave our identity.

Wherever I go today
Help me leave heartprints!
Heartprints of compassion
Of understanding and love.

Heartprints of kindness
And genuine concern.
May my heart touch a lonely neighbor
Or a runaway daughter
Or an anxious mother
Or perhaps an aged grandfather.

Send me out today
To leave heartprints.
And if someone should say,
"I felt your touch,"
May they also sense the love
that is deep within my heart.

Author Unknown

Your passing changes me…

I didn’t know there’d be a time when I would miss you.
Words bring tears of disbelief at the lack of your desire
to at least communicate, to place a plug where endless thought can be.
Mend this place where endless thought can be.

To see a soul so clearly, and keep the torch alive, be rained upon
with pure discomfort is sadness at it’s greatest fullest moon.

And I will miss you.

Life’s passing can be so harsh and yet in truth
at every birth begins the cycle to our death.

Knowing this no better readies me for the changes
your lack of presence brings.
You lived your life and I was witness;
blessed by it, I was born of it.

And I will miss you.

Feel my blood rush, listen to the wind and wave with passing clouds,
I know you now are everywhere and I will hear your voice in my heart,
forever.



5.21.10
ellen

Years gone by...

As a candle burns I reflect
on 21 years of one day at a time,
feeling low to nothing,
breathing deep - silently - struggling,
waiting to move through it all
one day at a time.
The pain unbearable some moments, and
completely forgettable in others.
The friends I've made and those I've lost,
to death or change. Family gone
as I've grown older and those grown up,
my daughter - my nephew to name just two.
Recovery has been good to me, one woman said
just recently - it made me think - do I
appreciate all that has been given me
and taken away?
I am no longer the low to nothing girl,
I'm a woman, gentle and real.
I see now the glow of the candle that burns
within me - and I give it fuel.
It moves me, heals me, enlightens me, and
brings me joy. It elevates me when I'm low
and brings me back to earth when I escape -
occasionally. I am ellen, and the candle
within me is connected to all those touched
and untouched. For 21 years I've been learning,
this gift called life is beautiful.

a different day

Oh what a difference a day makes!
That's an understatement really,
and I wish I could always remember it.
Live in today.
Be present.
Be here.
Trust (something I spray painted on a kitchen wall once)

I should listen to my inner self - more.

It's all in a days work.
Life is good.

Just another day...

My life is good.
I am alive.
I can see and walk and talk and sing and laugh and cry.
I can feel.
I don't get high and I don't drink.
I know my partner loves me,
and I am strong enough to be happy no matter what.
I am not my weight, or my job, or my fears.
I am not weak, or unkind.
I love big and I hurt deeply.
...and this struggle seems endless today.

My sister is in the Army
but you can't tell.
She's seen more than I ever
want to see - of young people,
fear, death - and dry land!
This is my sister, can you tell?
The whiter I get the more
we look alike - her blonde
and my white hair.
Sisters and friends to the end.

Metaphysical conversations

I believe in love.
I believe in the universe.
I believe we are all connected...

All are one and one is all.
So then I must be the best I can
and you will be the best you can
and we are all related.

Does that mean I have to like you
even if I don't, because you ARE me?

hmmmm.

hmmmmmmm...

Ahhhh...um,
did you hear me call your name?
I'm sitting in waiting for you.
I heard you tell Marlena last night
we are here, and why.
We guides want only happiness
and joy for you, fun, laughter and
learning, love.
We are present from birth to death
and beyond, always gently prodding.
Go - Dream - Be - Dance - LOVE!

Awwww lover,
did you hear me call your name?

Peace in a busy mind

What brings me peace you ask...

Quiet time and irises
Coffee at 6am
My hand on your hip in the night
The sound of snow falling
A sleeping cat, or baby
Anthony curled up beside me
Reiki and flute music
Nakai
Walking in the park
Completed chores
Fresh laundry
Lowering the scale number
A great novel
Writing these words
Candlelight
Prayer with meditation
Yoga
Sitting quiet by a lake
or ocean in the early morning sun

bored on a thursday

day after day after day
I rise and drink and cleanse
leave and repeat
leave and repeat
leave and repeat
what is it I want to say today
work has kept me busy all morning
what a relief that has been
and lunch will come and go
and I will leave
and I will sleep and dodge
and begin again.

Hmmmmm.
I'm waiting for a new day!
REALLY!

the window through which I see:

life is hard
no it's not
it's easy
difficult
troubling
beautiful
joyous
frustrating
misunderstood
hidden behind fear
angry
sadness turned outward
inward
over and under
hurt turned angry
anger turned to fury
fury calmed
fury fed
fury shared
fury bled
life is hard
no it's not
it's easy
we have to breathe
and breathe again
we have to pray
meditate
talk
share
let it be
let them be
let me be
be
and love
and love
and love
love.

1/25/10

Kamryn Alexis

finally she arrived
quick actually, 6-11:05pm
7lbs 3.4oz and only 18in. tall
little bitty baby girl
hello.