Tears for Yesterday

Don't bite the hand that feeds you.
And love DOES conquer all.
No matter what goes on, I DO play a role.

Tomorrow is a new day.
Tonight I need to sleep,
and put this one behind me.

Resentment festers

I cried today so hard my vision was blurry for hours
kicked a table across the living room and hurt my fist banging
How could you do this?


Anger doesn't come to me that easy; but it's got roots in years of pain
I am moved to shame by your poor decision and yet I believe you
when you say you won't make this mistake again,
even as I change my mind
about throwing everything you own out the window

and this is what it feels like to accept another's faults with patience
and move to forgiveness with a look inside to see what I can change
to ease the pain and fear and release the shame, and the resentment

- I love you, unabashedly (that's a word right?)
be gentle with me and don't attack the one place I really fear the most
when trying to keep it all above water and operational
besides the thought that you'll walk away
I think we're past that, although I threatened you with it

Today was a really fucked up day (pardon me for cussing)
but we got through it

Dancing in the Rain

Can we go out and play she asked?
Not now it's raining outside, was the reply.
But that's the best time she said, in rebuttal.

I went out once with a room mate
he was 54 and I was 50
we played like little children
when we came in my new jumper was dripping blue all down my skin...
we laughed so hard our belly's hurt

Much Aloha he wrote
and I felt the tenderness in those words,
rubbed them in even, and deeply my soul responded
with tears for the living and dead, for the child who has no safe place
or understanding of things they should never see
Powerless IS the word, and Wow is that an understatement
God saw and yet mans’ will was done
The strength to go on must have come from someplace outside of us
from something/someone that knew of 'it'
I am grateful to still be here - many are not
and the road to healing isn't always clear

Big Brother

my brother Mike (who isn't bigger than me at all)
is my saving grace, my knight in shining armour
how else would I have made it through those years
pushed down stairs and ridiculed for movement
he was the one who combed my hair and told me
all was well, even when it wasn't, a strength today
he's the one who taught me how to run fast
my reason for feeling pretty on most days
and who helped me hold on to a dream
of walking down the runway and eventually learning
it wasn't for me anyhow, I've not the heart
for all those folks who'd want me skin on bone
a dream I had that helped me learn to walk tall
sit tall and wear whatever the heck I want
doc martins are by far my favorite
black is now my bestest friend
though it's too late to look thinner
hiding in the corner a little girl sits and waits
wonders why this lady has been so mean
she must have had an awful life to be so hateful
I've grown strong because of her
Mike cried the day I told him I wouldn't have
survived if not for him, he was in the same pain
for different reasons - although watching didn't help
I had lunch with him today, my big brother
We've grown up hard and learned to love
for everyone is suffering something
isn't that what the emails say - be kind to all
you never know what bridge a person had to cross
this morning

un-expectation

Sweet memories of days (or is that years?) gone by
words to the feelings I was holding
returned at the sight of your name – what a blessing
your presence is like liquid sunshine
raining on a cloudy day, downtime, me time

Is there a master plan or are we all just so connected
that we know when to appear?
for ourselves, each other or another’s healing
unknown sorrows, lost awakenings and dreams gone by
hidden in the corners of our inner self

The exposure to Self from self exhilarating
and yet what is the next choice I will make
in this wondrous place I’ve come to
that feels familiar and not, at the same time
a place I’ve come to grow and be more me