Beautiful Alex - death by overdose

Where the hell is everyone when you ask for them?
In the same place we’ve always been,
you can’t see us with your eyes and heart closed Alex.

Where were you when I cried out in pain, when no one caught me as I was falling?
No one was there; I was so alone…?
In the same place they’ve always been
you can’t see them with your arms crossed and your head down Alex.

Why the hell didn’t someone save me from my misery all those years?
It was obvious I was in my own hell - bound for disaster?
You can’t be saved from that which you are running away, Alex.

I want you now; I want to return to that which I see is possible,
Oh my God it’s too late, how could that have happened, wait a minute,
I’m not done, I want to try again, and I want to try again…
You can’t return to that which you have not been able to see, Alex.

Life is a gift given only ‘one day at a time’…
We must embrace it – honor it – cherish it – or we will lose it, Alex.
It’s not a game of ‘see if I can catch on’ or ‘maybe next time’,
or tonight I’m going to use and escape this excruciating darkness inside me…

Many have gone before you; you’ve seen it,
YOU have witnessed it, and chose to close your eyes to it, or did you?
The pain too great? The hurt too deep?
Your lonely heart and empty memories of babies being held could not survive.
And all your humble questions went unanswered, and many souls were cruel.

And you are gone and we are left with memories of Alex –
with a needle in his arm.


8june04
ellen c scruggs

Another Lover

As I grieve yet another lover
I have come to realize I must change NOW.
The depth of which I am capable of loving
is far less than I have told myself for years.

I love deep, I love hard and I love passionately
but only to a point - beyond that you suffer.

I wish not to damage myself or another
in my quest to fill a void from which can only be within.
No outside choice will make this darkness fill with light,
a journey to my own heart is where the healing lies,

AND the joy.

So here I sit with direction, vision and hope,
for wholeness and truth and enlightenment.
That which I was ignorant enough to believe had
years ago and many heartaches prior.

My process is unlike any other - this day.
It comes with the experience and the memory
of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual sadness,
and a gentle realization that I have come to this place

by divine love.


February 16, 2004