self pity is an uneducated place to be

I'm so glad Obama won - I am oh so hopeful for the USA
Life is difficult lately, by my definition of difficult
although in some other places I am wealthy and blessed
even in my head I know this to be true but pardon me
if I'm feeling a little down today, and a little self pity
I'll allow myself a half a day perhaps, then buck up and
get on with it - nothing is so hard in my life to give up for

Tracy Chapman is a gentle soul with songs to make one feel
anger, love, joy and sorrow - but mostly her melodic voice
does set me to a place of happy freedom - perhaps I'll listen
and be enlightened as I usually am with music, poetry and my
friend Susan's stories. I should be ashamed of feeling sorry for
myself, but some days I just want to run away from it, though
I won't - cause then I'd miss the very thing I'm running from.
Besides - I'll take me with me - funny - there really is none

escape

I saw a movie last night and it's left me feeling heavy
with sadness; I seem to just want to cry in my lover's arms,
but I have to work today - The Secret Life of Bees it's
called - excellent movie, and very sad.

11/21/08

president elect

in crowds of people
i can feel quiet
and block out the sound of
running from reality
this nations new leader
waiting
to be chosen for change
teachers suspended for speaking
truth, as the saying goes
who really knows what mayhem
will come if the wrong one
is chosen this time
and I wait and I will vote

less is more

if all is in clear view
whats to be excited about
the young and insecure
enjoy flaunting to attract
attention
perhaps I've grown past
the desire to pull you in
on some false idea that
there is more to come

11aug08

me marier

être toujours mon amant,
Ursula me marier
passer nos journées à jouer,
dans les domaines de l'émerveillement
de rires et de joie,
notre quotidien sursis de la tristesse de la vie
vieillir avec moi
et rêve de toujours
dans l'après vie de l'univers

21july08

my new truck

this truck is just the right size
for me and my grandma Dink
birthday boy toy bigger than life
i'll drive it if you just wait another year
and take me to a large lot for space to turn
and go around in circles
or really know what i'm supposed to do with it
i'm not much interested yet
please give me a popsicle
and mya across the table
we'll eat in summer bliss
and dream of truck rides down the road
when gas prices cease to take up
all the family meals for the month

july18th,08

early summer morning blues

I'd like to be on vacation
again
all summer actually
moving forward
my new job
will allow that
in fact I'll choose it
summers off
must wear light clothing
and sandals
during work hours
on the beach
or in the woods
whilst hiking
to develop the next chapter
of that bestseller
on the shelves in September

photography stolen online

july18th-1008

summer sets

in the heat of the day I nap at lunch in my car
and dream of what I'd rather be doing
though I think of cleaning the kitchen floor and
ridding the basement of debree - lots of it exists there
instead of climbing mountains and emotions surpassing boredom
yesterday was my grandsons 2nd birthday party
he turned two last thursday and he is oh so lovely and sweet
my smiling budda baby with arms outstretched saying up up to grandma
as I lift and sink my face into his head of curly soft hair and smell
his lashes longer than the distance to the sun
hovering over smiling brown eyes - God I love this baby boy
the blood of my own and a picture of confidence and surety
I hope to live long enough to watch him grow to be a man
and maybe enjoy the same with his own as I do with him
the love of an infant is so unlike any other - thats my experience
I am not unique of that I am certain, not only regarding the grandparenting
I think I'll dream of rainbows and walks in nature and hot springs
splashing on my body, the next time I nap at lunch hour
or maybe on my drive home today

july7'08

job descriptions

how goes it that my job description isn't good enough
pad that baby so that I might make enough to feed the cat
next month after filling the gas tank and feeding the baby
forget the luxuries in life like banana's and whipped cream
I'll have that peanut butter and jelly sandwich now
thank you very much - oh boy my bread is just shy of stale
I was saving it for the kids but they had carry out
whilst they aren't driving yet and bus fare beats the tank of gas
I guess the window air conditioners aren't cheaper after all
central would be costly to install but in the long run wow...
later...well, later anything can happen
the cost of oil could drop or the nation could fall prey to
it's predecessors and we can walk to the nearest park and play
but do we - oh let's drive 1.2 miles to the grocery store on
Friday night with the rest of the world
I'll complain next week about dirty laundry but for today
I'm looking for the job description that will do the trick...

june18

daylight

at the end of the tunnel there is a river
that awaits your bare feet
walk to the river and emerge yourself
in the cool of the moving water
relish in the reflection of the leaves
from full blown summer tree tops
and clouded blue skies above
answer the questions you have given Goddess
and know that all you desire and all you remember
is right in front of you
each moment of every nano second you exist

june 10th

Growing Pains

How do I explain that I am whole;
wounded with little girl wings
flying high until the day they spread huge
and I can sore without any encouragement?
Spirit guides me but my human nature is effected
by your excruciating scrutiny of my decisions,
choices, and process of taking care of me
and the business at hand within my sacred space.
I know you love me and yet I still feel at times
not good enough - by the expression upon your lips
as you speak of all the different things you see
and think I don't or wish I could from your eyes.
And in this process we will grow stronger,
or we will disintegrate into the diseases darkness.
I choose growth in this moment, gratefully.

may08

confusion in the midst

sunshine cool air
rainbows in the sky
cleanse my soul tonight
move me from this state of discontent
I'll move forward on the road to future quests
with joy and self acceptance
I love this state of mind
today
I answer to the Gods
love thy neighbor as my brothren
be kinder to my wife
glory to the newborn babe
and justice to the elders

mar08

heidi

my body can feel the weight of your desire in my minds eye
I remember how you smell and I miss your face above me
below me and beside me
my heart races at the thought of your presence again
in 24 hours
my senses respond in kind
warm washes over me and settles in my loins
dropped down from swelled heart and belly flip flopping
you are my wife, my lover, my joy
I look inside myself and strive to be a better me
because of you and I am gratefully blessed

apr08

Beale Street - Memphis

Beale Street Sunday afternoon
African festival
there's music everyhwere
oils and leather and bright colored garb
sales all over the world
babies crying and mothers lose their calm
as daddy's go on dancing to the beat of the drums

Apr08

stepmother

happy birthday shirley
you died too young
but it was your karma
and you really played it well
i suppose

i forgave you in my eleventh hour
destiny has it's way of showing up
and i know you only did what you knew
and someone must have harmed you too

a little girl was wounded
by the hand you laid so rough
and though that girl was wounded
you made her grow up tough

she grew to be a lovely one
so many know her name
she says i love you to the wind
she carries not your shame

this day

i wish you happy birthday now
i wish you love and happiness
i thank you for my difficulties
i thank you for the chance

to love you anyhow
with stairs falling
and fists flying
angry words so scary

you taught me well
my pain threshold is high
but so is my depth
and gratitude

happy birthday to you.

4/16

sisters

i spoke to debbie on the phone today
terry and i email she lives in Oregon
and sherry i call most mornings at 6am
though today she woke up late and couldn't chat

i love my sisters

they all have their sweet ways and their parents
different than mine for the most part
except debbie and i shared the same house as girls
and today is her mom's birthday omg she was an aries

i love my sisters

sisters share a blood bond even if they didn't know
and once learned it's like a connection gifted
from the universe, a woman put here just for me
i love my older sister and my younger sisters too

i love my sisters

mary was a pretty girl so tiny and so true
she loved me in so many ways she made me laugh
with her lovers fallen at her feet on any given day
she curled up in my arms some days and grief was on her mind

her life was full of emptyness and she turned it in at 31
the age when my life began and my daughter was conceived
she's with me in spirit every sunny day
and especially in the evenings i hold her dear always
i am a better me because of her and i'm grateful

i love my sisters

and this poem is really pretty bad...lol.

4/16/08

this moment in time - a reflection

does the world seem a dark place for those in mourning
or is it just inside ourselves we do not see the light
is it the missing of one loved that shuts out sun
and smiles and hugs on warm days and soft evenings
I'll pretend I know how to grieve for just a moment and say
tears flow like rivers when you experience the loss
hearts clam up like a steel safe locked to keep out the unwanted
if you avoid the situation and bypass the opportunity

my daughter turned 18 on the 2nd of April
her sperm donor dad stopped the checks

I'll move from provider and caregiver to bossy and meddling
if I'm not aware as my child becomes an adult in the world's eyes
I was 31 before I began the difficult process of growing up and
taking responsibility for myself emotionally - oh I paid the bills
I paid the dues too, hard earned addiction to anything that would
kill the pain and make it wait for even an hour before hurting, again

life isn't easy when you are present and showing up for every detail
but it's worth the effort; grow in reality or stay stifled in a dream
I hold each moment precious in my heart and pray that I can always get quiet
and turn to spirit for guidance through the difficult and joyful blessings
I know my life is moving forward to unforbidden pleasures and abundance,
silly little 50 yr old all covered with laughter and blue eyed wonder!!

15april08

eye of the unknown

you take a place to call your own where you can feel
but you do not share that space with me, just yet
what is this feeling I have when you are distant
I am wondering how to be in the midst of unknown thoughts
feelings that look like something they most likely are not
I am in love with a woman who feels things

once upon a time I was frail and afraid of everything
that you might leave me alone and in the midst of your destruction
now I only know that your love is real and ever present
and I cherish the building of history between us
longevity and experiences of love and laughter evermore

party animal you called me last night - I smile
truly we are not the women we used to be and yet we are
just having shed the darkness and dispair that childhood colored
if only for the moment and in this one, light shines through
and leaves are nubs upon a tree branch and grass is green

spring has awakened me and loves memory of you
long buried deep within the caverns of my heart
those around are witnessing the kaleidescope of 'us'
my life is better than I dreamed it ever could be
and the sun is shining on this day in April
thirteen years later and many moons of heartache healing


4/10/08

mo(u)rning

i awaken to the singing birds
a wet nose at my face says let me out
a song inside my heart says let me in
and i am quiet

i had needles in my back last night
to clear these chains that bind me
and a gentle hand upon my heart
told me all is well

and i am quiet

28mar08

another day

it's thursday and the work day is over
excruciating is a word that comes to mind
but then it's all in how I perceive things
blessings are many and more is what I'm after
always the addict on some level

i patiently waited for this day to come to an end
and it is here and I am no more for the worry
I love this simple life did i say that
I just want to be left to process my own reactions
and live my life in blissful peace

A Moment of Silence

wind blowing
snow fall
birds sleep
rain on the window
my heart aches
a baby's smile
a lover's look
hand reached out
arms open
tears streaming
Great Spirit is here
are you?

27mar08

darkness

on the dark side of the mountain
there lived a beautiful short rounded woman
white hair cut close and smiling eyes of brown
skin like caramel candy and arms you just want to be in
she had a voice oh what a voice
and she passed it along to her heirs
she was stricken with grief at the site of her
treasured possession

a mind of her own that child doth have
i'll stand for none of this be still and listen
your heart is pounding to the beat of a different drum
she didn't understand and she cried
the strength of the bear was within her
and the rattle of the monkey on her back
blocked her for many years
and the smile returns upon her face

her smiling eyes still a reminder of who we don't know
and maybe we never will

26mar08

Aretha

Love Goddess enters the stage
and the tears stream
she makes all lovers stop and gaze
at sunset evenings and fireplaces
glowing with heat
Momma's music singing in my ears
and the sweat descends her body
and the sound of the music is like suicide
sweet nectar of love to behold
and her life ain't over
it's just truly begun
they'll be moved by her voice you must know
and the queen of soul has risen to the occasion
and all present have been touch by an angel

thirty days

moon descends the hemisphere
sun rises and you begin again
skin on fire and belly full of anguish
though not by the usual description
there is something different here
surrounded by women you love
inner peace permeates your soul
on one of these early mornings
the sunset makes beautiful your memories
something other than where's the next one
and down this thing lest I feel more heartache
or loneliness I can't bear another day

each day passing presents a new challenge or gift
heartaches resurface and painful memories occur
but love abounds and dinners are shared among many
these everyday moments are piled one by one
and the result is a small orange momentum
to hold in possession, a reminder of time
and though the sun still sets over taboo boulevard
you awaken to gratitude street, and the tears flow

racing heartbeats and thirsty desires are curbed
gauntlet beats down on the desk
and the circle of prayer is begun
listen to stories of successes and failures
there's a lesson in every voice and experience
spoken true from the heart

thirty days is a gift that you've given yourself
bound and held by the chains of addiction no more
on this day

20mar08

I love black and white photos
they capture the true essence of life

Anthony

all moments spent in time are a gift
to behold upon many and few
and the stress of this world
is but a challenge to be in the spirit
not missing a day or an hour

saturday morning giggles in his room
and socks are bound to come off
singing songs only he can understand
this light of my life is a constant reminder
of love and the glory of God

sunny days and stormy nights
are brighter with his presence
silence is a peaceful time
the warmth of his cancer heart
and his laughter are gold to my ears

his momma is where it all started
her gentle face and sweet blue eyes
I held her and rocked in the night
changed my life for all time
and I'll die with blessings unlimited

my life was running to the heartbeat of addiction
and the streets were the place for my feet
though the sun never rose, the pain never gone
it was bitter to avoid without knowing
the depth of my soul it would heal

I pray it never touches the hearts of my children
reflections of love in the mirror of their faces
and smiles and the hugs that they give
I'll hold you forever in my heart

for the love of my God my friends and my lovers
our Creator is the sweetest nectar alive!

Love

Love is like music
and it heals my soul
there are suicides and heartaches
a child with hands on her throat
and the push at the top of the stairs

Love is like sunshine
warms and colors your skin
rises from the outside
to the depth of your being
sets a smile on your face
and awakens the children within

Love is like apples
many colors and flavors
and they're sweet on your tongue
or as bitter as heartache can be
apples and love go together
like sunshine and leaves on a tree

Love is the universe
all people are meant to be healed
Take the heartache - forgiveness
and mix it with time
and the love that you feel will be real

Real love, genuine love comes to us by God's Grace
and the willingness to make another shine!

mar08

aftermath

as i lie here breathing, my heart begins to settle
and the pounding deep within my belly spreads
to loins wet with passion and jumping still
i realize it's you and memories flood my heart and mind
like ocean over sand at high tide in the setting sun

i have longed for this day over years of life passing,
friends dropping by and babies born at 1am
lovers come and gone in the winter of discontent
late nights sleep left crying in my pillow
after pleasuring myself with only you

the glory of a lover lost, left behind, buried deep
then realized, remembered, and resurfaced
is Gods' work in motion
spilled out in the physical form of my life
tears of appreciation for the gifts
i never thought would reappear

my God you are a gentle sort and
in the arms of the woman my soul desires
i am reminded that nothing comes to anyone
without heartache and pure loves' sorrow,
forgiveness and a sense of hope!

i will cherish every moment spent with you

Sunny Afternoon in April

You had me at the first 'hello'.

I've got you under my skin
and I don't know how to shake it
I'm energized and just shy of obsession
over the texture and site of your body
my mind plays tricks upon me and
likens you to my healing Grace
Oh if you only knew of the prayers I've been saying
while on my knees before you
God has blessed me with your presence
and bled upon my pillow cases your sweet face
the memory of which I cannot seem to clear

I'd wish for long nights and afternoons if I didn't know better
perhaps one day
I'll relish in the site of you for longer than a moment
and have the opportunity to cover you in warm water
and wash away the stress
to bring on the untamed passion
I see inside your deep brown eyes and gentle face
I want to ignite your fires and make easy
the entrance to your greatest pleasures
like the blood that rushes through my body
and electrifies every cell and tender spot
I own

How is it you know me so completely
every place you touch feels familiar and alive
waiting for you and knowing
you will leave me with desires quenched and just a question
of will there be a next time
for this touch I seem to crave endlessly
you fill me up with your souls word
share my spirit truly without fear
easily I trust this body before me
and hands that touch me with knowledge
and experience
I am ever grateful for your presence in my life
and certainly
on my body

I am passionate about many things
and I lust for more of you


4.26.02

she

I am going to the movies tonight
and every inch of me screams out
in remembrance
fear lights my skin on fire
equally so does lust
the desire to have and to hold

integrity is a motherload
to carry
on days like this
and so is fear of the unknown

Pete

the huff and puff of little white feet
in the middle of the road
steal my heart on this cloudy sunday morning
i followed you up a tall flight of stairs
you had no where to escape
save in my arms
the rain is falling and it's chill is too much
for your small body
and katie loves you instantly
and anthony thinks you're neat
marlena acts like it doesn't matter
as she cradles you in her arms
two weeks later
in the arms of a rescuer
my heart is aching to see your smiling face again
perhaps in the next life or at the crossing over
we called you Pete,and I still have pictures
you stole my heart that day in august

icy storm

This photo is called 'the path I choose'
it seems to fit
today they are calling for ice
and rain and snow or all three or none
is that like bipolar disease?
you never know whats coming on any given day
highs and lows are part of life
and this addict wants the highest of highs
NOW
actually I am enjoying the peacefulness
of snowfall and the single life
although I'm as busy as I ever was
is that my form of escape or hiding?
I am in transition now - the excavation has begun
and however slow it seems to process
the pattern is changing
and my life has taken on a different note
and I am happy
and those around me celebrate my smiles
and they reflect this new found joy!

All aboard for the next phase??

Valentine's Day!

I love the color of Valentine's Day
Smiles bright white
deep reds and bright oranges
and chocolate brown on everyone!

Valentine's Day is the color of love,
the day is yellow sunshine and white clouds
blue skies and pink hugs
little hearts in all we see and do!

Today is a happy day and I celebrate my single state
with cards and candy to the kids in my home
and little red and silver candies for all those
passing by my cubicle.

Happy Valentine's Day to you,
and if you're alone, celebrate yourself.
You deserve it.
I know I do.

Thank you Great Spirit!

Okay so maybe I lied...

I'm
deliriously
happy
today...
and
this
pic
is
old!

I used to like Fridays

used to be days like this i was excited about the end of the day
like the last day of school every week
then life showed up and commitments and promises
and life got busy and fridays just indicate another busy weekend
instead of the relief that comes after a long hard work week

do i sound ungrateful i'm not
maybe i'm just whining because i need another vacation
oh wait a minute did i have one this year
i'm definitely whining
the wellness studio opens tomorrow with a party

it denotes the beginning of something new
and exciting and not related to computers at all
except i'll go online to check for appointments
oh my what this world is coming to
the ability to sign on and set up and heal thyself

in an instant
or 50 keystrokes

in between

it's nice to be in between the sheets
and the daylight - and the moonlight
i'm not so sure about the time between
then and now, what is and what will be
or is that what was and what is

they say God never closes one door
without opening another...
some say 'but it's hell in the hallway'!
i don't really mind the hallway
except in times of uncertainty
ha - i lie to myself and say

the now is where it's best - on any given day
it's where I long to learn to stay!

friends

many friends i have i do
they've carried me through lifes darkness
and my own creative abuse
my choice is always to have women
whom i can turn to
lean on
grow with - lest i lose my mind
in the ever growing lack of connection
in this world

the universe waits

isn't it true that every thought you put out there
is in the process of awakening to truth
of happening in the exact way that you expect it to

isn't it true that even if I keep the thought to myself
someone somewhere is aware of it and acts accordingly
to see to its fruition

the universe sits in waiting for your every desire
night and day for all of your life
just waiting to fulfill your every whim
good, bad, or indifferent

and in my happiness and clarity, i know i've created it all
by giving it to the universe and the Spirit within

what i like

what i like is what i like
isn't there a song like that??
what i am, is what i am, is what i am is what...
hmmmm i smile to myself cause it's a nice song

someone told me today that she likes me
and she was afraid i'd chase her away
to some other source for step work
sponsorship it's called oh God why do we suffer
in the face of being human trying to exist together

so much abuse has us all fucked up and just trying
to get through another day without drowning
in discontent and unwanted disclosure

if i like you does that mean i have to go away
or sleep with you
or be something different
than i've always been in your presence
is that to help you feel less threatened?

keep your distance if you cannot be yourself
with me - it means i'm dangerous
to your self esteem and souls existence
why would i or you give anyone that kind of power?

the light of day

different from the dawn or the feeling
of entering a new opportunity to do it right
the light of day is like any given moment of clarity
gained out of experience, often painful or difficult

I guess

the rain falls upon this metal building and I'm drifted
into a desire for candles and fire and meditation time
but key away I will instead - it's healing you know
to express oneself as the many facets that we are

the dawn

i have awakened from a place of discontent
alone in my current vocation
peace along the journey is what i'm after
for the road is long and beautiful
my quest is not to fill a void
but to graciously choose each careful step
with a purpose in my sight
or a moon
on any given day

my tears are for the joy of freedom
from the chains of obligation and lack of self care

this girl turned woman is stronger than she ever was
and i am grateful to the likes of all my journeys lovers
yes we have a soul mate - or many

my journey toward the Self is forward bound
glory to the Teachers on my path

Sometimes I go about in pity for myself, and all the while
A great wind is bearing me across the sky.
- Ojibwa Saying

Pity is a waste of time and good heart resources.
My life is this because I choose it.
It changes when I look to the greater good of all.
If I am humanly capable.
It's cold outside today, and my short walk was completely invigorating.
It helped me feel alive...
and the sun is also shining inside and out...