The Flame

As she leans over she stares into the beautiful blue waters
Waiting for a miracle to show itself in her life
Though she feels blessed each day for all her gifts
On this day she feels particularly sure of something nagging her spirit
She knows what lies beneath the surface is far deeper than she’s ever gone
Or wanted to go before

The healing will only take place if she opens each compartment
Long ago her experiences were stored within the confines of her psyche
But this nag is definitely loud and clear and the moment is almost upon her
To release the memories of all that horror, unknown to her at the time
How devastatingly it would present itself one day in the future, now present

They say time heals all wounds but I think they mean the ones you nurture
The ones you clean and dress regularly until the scab heals over
And the scar becomes but a faded piece of what was, and you no longer feel it
You can only compartmentalize for so long, and the body breaks down
Opens the spaces you thought you’d hidden from and releases the ugly mess

As she peers into the waters she contemplates her options
Drowning would never do and she’d rather swim than sink
One of her blessings – the glass is always half full and sparkling
She shines like the stars in the sky, there’s just the nagging pull today
Telling her it’s time for the ride of her life, and it’s not a joy ride on this day

She stands and walks along the pier, moving toward the perfect sky
Knowing she’s a phone call away from the one who will help her through this
She walks in prayer and hears a flute in the distance, one of her angel guides
Along her walk she meditates, she looks inside herself at the flame
And the flicker becomes a bright shining light

Sunshine on a rainy day!

In a world where everything changes, money, jobs, recovery, disclosure,
why would anyone choose rhinestones over diamonds?

I want all the shiny I can get and whatever I am willing to work for
will be presented on my doorstep if I am willing to accept it.

The God of my understanding has reached to me for a lifetime
and I am finally able to see - all that darkness IS gold,
and all that glitters isn't real.

It's up to me to smile and hang on through the changes;
walk in nature to re-energize, eat what sustains my body,
and hold on to what heals my heart.

I am the captain of this ship baby - and today it's sailing in sunny waters!

Another day...

It's all good.

Labor of Love

Little child looking for comfort, finds a fist and a word to the wise.
Voice is silenced and vision is skewed, seeds of struggle are planted.
Flame still burns but ignition is hidden (safe and sound and quiet inside);
adolescence gives way to addiction, voice is silenced and vision is skewed.
Too many names and too many beatings, no one to run to for cover;
flame still flickers but it's hidden, adulthood arrives to addiction,
voice is silenced and vision is skewed.
Society has no protection against the weary or weak;
politicians are drug dealers in suits, and good leaders are killed for their skin,
voice is silenced and vision is skewed.
Flame begins to brighten, and the fist gives way to a hug,
never alone now, for years it's been a labor of love.
Silence gains a vision, and a voice says 'hello' to the day.

lack of action

breathe in all and only goodness, bundled up in wishes come true
change the language in my head to permanent positive action
no more sugar on my tongue and no more late nights
dotted buttons under my fingertips talk to a world of facebook friends
I am so blessed, and yet I tire of this daily grind I'm caught up in
rise and shine and move like a robot through the day and into the night
to lie quietly while ceiling fans turn, wishing for company,
customary sounds bring sleep yet again, and dreams of who knows what
to leave me groggy at sunrise, dragging my feet (and everything else)
down the stairs to liquid life and keyboard lighting the dark.
aahhhh another day - when will I get it? Or is there any getting it?
I am so grateful and somedays completely bored.

desire

As I look at bodies walking by I see images of nakedness
breasts, legs, bellies, and butt, arms and neck and shoulder blades.
The body is a miracle, all shapes and sizes and colors.

The movements are fluid, they remind me of a yoga class I once attended,
bodies bent and stretching, best in motion, memories in my mind.
I've always had a fondness for watching people, and admiring their form.

I've gained an appreciation for body parts that some might not,
in a sexual desirous kind of way.
Body parts are for exploring and hands have always been my thing,
for what they can ignite in me if properly placed on the body.

I've put my hands upon many,
for healing and pleasure, for warmth and support...
sometimes only for sexual desire, shared with a loved one.
My memory is full of love and life and sexual experiences!

My body responds to thought as if someone were lightly moving hands over me
in all the right places, with just the right touch, if I give into it.
Someday soon I may actually find out that my sexual self is still here,
about to breathe into new life!

A "peace" of hope

Quiet is the daytime, sun shines bright, and I close my eyes
quiet is the night with a sky full of stars and light dust
and I am peaceful, full of hope

Lying in bed longer than the sunrise and rest my soul
sleep comes easily in this town of quiet after sunset
bugs and birds, crickets in the night
sing their song of happiness
and I am peaceful, full of hope

Quiet is the sound of hummingbirds dancing in the wind
sweat rolls off my body as I play in fields of gold
and I am peaceful, full of hope

new day

wake up early, 4am early in fact
darkness still in the air, quiet
wake up again with determination
words put on paper to clear the mind
or make sense of it, either way works

no sun this morning, or cream for coffee
rain falls gently down and clouds roll past
a trip to Safeway for cream and coffee
donuts for the little one and bananas
coffee - ahhhh wake up and begin the day

random

hard wood and ceiling fan
turns slowly to cool the sweat upon my skin
and yours

hot air and light breeze makes for something
not spoken but familiar
from deep within

Iris's for Mary and I

here she comes, slow start but quickly now
I see the date and realize why some thoughts keep coming
it's the anniversary of that time in my life
the ending of yours

and I miss you

wonder why I'm teary at the treasured friendships
and new folks coming in
I'm reminded of my love for you and the fun we had
as sisters and women struggling
with family and relationships in our lives

and I miss you

If I close my eyes I can feel your presence
smiling
shaking your head and hand at me - and hugging me
with your pretty face and shining eyes

and I will see you again, but no time soon please
I've much to do yet...
and I am also not afraid

my cat walks up slowly and gently eases into my lap
everything in me says let it go
and I still hold on tight

I miss you

Rearrange...

I just put on a different pair of glasses and the world looks different, at least on this computer screen.

I plan to rearrange my green room - make space, clear debree, recycle treasured items...my mom slept here for 6 months before her passing, it's all a mess at the moment - but doesn't anything coming to be get messy first?

I have a myriad of feelings dancing around inside me; sadness, love, lust, joy, hope!

New beginnings - moving on from heartache and mayhem to solutions and acceptance. It's all in a day's work, or maybe a week of thought and reflection, hanging out with kindness and looking in a mirror at myself.

How sweet are my memories and snapshots I will hold forever in my heart.

So the mess surrounding me will soon be gone - with it repeated patterns of wishing and wanting for anything more than what I'm willing to stand up and ask for and work hard to get.

It makes sense to me (smile).

ellen

New life

Locked within the confines of this spiritual body
is an emotional tie dyed memory of many loves. They
wrap me in a linen heart of gold and splatter on the
playground of my life. Hues of pain and turmoil
and chaos, joy and laughter and bliss, a rainbow of
many moons spun into the cabinet of my mind, like mini
treasures in a shadow box. I am open and peeking through,
waiting for my moment!

Prayer

Please help me.
I am in a heap of trouble.
Only you can give me the strength to walk this walk.
My ability to look at the outcome instead of the process
is almost scary.
Please help me.

She prayed.

Frogs are for happy homes

I met a frog once, happily bouncing all around
belly bloating in and out and in and out
big eyes staring as if to see through me
A mentor once said that frogs are the sign of a happy home
I keep one in my bedroom now, as a reminder, it's made of glass

But if they happen in your kitchen early in the morning,
or late at night, you must be really blessed!!

Humble Flower

Do you ever wonder why we (I) make things in life seem so difficult?
Are they dramatic, really?

I can think of times in my life where I was so devastated
And my heart was breaking
Only to find that I breathe and move to the next item or event
And all is well with the Universe

Am I addicted to drama or chaos – I really don’t like it anymore
Yet somehow it shows up - too often

I recently sat in the cubicle of a friend and listened to her situation
Only to walk away so grateful for my own, and hoping to keep it

We all suffer the same dilemma – humans having a spiritual experience
Humility is the key – a convention title once said – and truth be told
We all could use a dose of it on a daily…

Thank you God/Goddess/All That Is

Lost Relatives!

Have you seen this baby boy? I met him once at a party - my place
held him in my arms, he's my nephew, and to Florida he'd gone as a child.
Have you seen this baby boy? He's grown up now with
a mind of his own and a heart a big as the sun, he's my nephew...
Handsome man this friend of mine, the blood to whom I'm related.

Between Friends

So I'm thinking this should be the title of our book.
It could be short stories about us, or between other friends,
or our partners, or past relationships.

It could be sad and funny and silly and dumb, but it has to be us;
our thoughts individually or exchanges we've personally had.
Our view on relationships or experiences in them, not intimate details
but intimate details - the kind that help others.

You're the writer, I'm the poet, you take pictures and I can't draw
but I will...it'll look like little kids - we can do that too -
inner children talking.

We're all connected and we have struggles connecting.
Let's do this thing, somehow.

Whatchuthink?

time flies

as the sun sets and rises again
I am reminded of my father's words
'life goes quickly after 30'...
what an understatement that is,
at 53 I blink my eyes and another
day is gone, months fly buy like the
wind in April and flowers blooming
only to be gone before I stopped to
smell the sweet fragrance
time is of the essence.

babies laughter

As I sit upstairs in the dark on my computer
I can hear the giggles of five year old Anthony
and Kamryn just 17 months yesterday...

Come smiling with arms up, each time I walk through the door
I must be doing something right, and I know my daughter is,
even though on some days childhood rears it's ugly head
and I am angry, reminded of some other world not like this one.

It warms my heart to hear the laughter of little children
never grow old if you can help it, but learn to be an adult
when it's time.

Keep on playing and laughing, it keeps your belly strong, and
gives you strength against the punches that will come.
Just breathe, and they will pass, just breathe, and they will pass.

Just breathe...

No smiles today

why is it that every time you are smiling and kissing on me
you're about to do something that is upsetting
things aren’t as I see them you say
hmmmmm
what eyes am I looking through today
the ones with rose colored glasses always finding the good
or the clear ones that say enough is enough

I love you from the depth of this soul I am feeling
and the hurt that keeps showing up - real or imagined
is wearing me thin, making me old and tired - I have more life in me
than this

and I am sad

for Karen

We all touch each other, some never notice
Others change profoundly forevermore and it can not be ignored

Love is love, you give abundantly - and it makes a difference!
You have shared yourself and all that means the most to you.

I thank you as well, for I will never be the same again...

Handle with Care

Memories Unvailed

Innocence is stolen so often by the sick fucks out there of the world;
not caring what they do to children, so long as their need is satisfied.
Youthful eyes and supple skin has no business in the hands of evil doers.

Cries in the night are never heard with the soft touch of the sly manipulator; make you think you like it and you do, until the day comes when your head is speaking and your heart is somewhere else. Wash away the busy brain with quiet earth, God, and all his Angels standing by.

Tell me how to have a big girl affair with this little girl heart, all broken in pieces; and tell the little boy that says no but means yes, with shame and guilt, it's not his fault. Rage and hurt abide within this body, buried deep, it rarely surfaces anymore, but healing still needs to occur.

Great Spirit, show me the way inside, they prayed.

morning wakeup

sunrise and birds singing outside my window
the sleep not trying to leave my body
i take myself to the living room, my morning space
and climb into a blanket then onto this tiny laptop
it awaits my fingertips and i realize there is no creamer
coffee will have to wait this day until i arrive to work
wakefulness doesn't come easy without the black substance
in my favorite world convention cup that's just the right size
for my hand

Reality or Paranoia

I said “no I can’t live this way”, and yes I love you.

Weed smells sweet on the front porch in the middle of the night. I don’t like being left to play detective when all you have to do is be truthful. Honesty – fearful though it may be IS the best defense, especially with someone you love. Will you really expect me to support your habits and leave myself to wither? I’ve grown too much to close my eyes and block my ears to your lying. It feels so awful when you do that; can you see it on my face?

Tears for Yesterday

Don't bite the hand that feeds you.
And love DOES conquer all.
No matter what goes on, I DO play a role.

Tomorrow is a new day.
Tonight I need to sleep,
and put this one behind me.

Resentment festers

I cried today so hard my vision was blurry for hours
kicked a table across the living room and hurt my fist banging
How could you do this?


Anger doesn't come to me that easy; but it's got roots in years of pain
I am moved to shame by your poor decision and yet I believe you
when you say you won't make this mistake again,
even as I change my mind
about throwing everything you own out the window

and this is what it feels like to accept another's faults with patience
and move to forgiveness with a look inside to see what I can change
to ease the pain and fear and release the shame, and the resentment

- I love you, unabashedly (that's a word right?)
be gentle with me and don't attack the one place I really fear the most
when trying to keep it all above water and operational
besides the thought that you'll walk away
I think we're past that, although I threatened you with it

Today was a really fucked up day (pardon me for cussing)
but we got through it

Dancing in the Rain

Can we go out and play she asked?
Not now it's raining outside, was the reply.
But that's the best time she said, in rebuttal.

I went out once with a room mate
he was 54 and I was 50
we played like little children
when we came in my new jumper was dripping blue all down my skin...
we laughed so hard our belly's hurt

Much Aloha he wrote
and I felt the tenderness in those words,
rubbed them in even, and deeply my soul responded
with tears for the living and dead, for the child who has no safe place
or understanding of things they should never see
Powerless IS the word, and Wow is that an understatement
God saw and yet mans’ will was done
The strength to go on must have come from someplace outside of us
from something/someone that knew of 'it'
I am grateful to still be here - many are not
and the road to healing isn't always clear

Big Brother

my brother Mike (who isn't bigger than me at all)
is my saving grace, my knight in shining armour
how else would I have made it through those years
pushed down stairs and ridiculed for movement
he was the one who combed my hair and told me
all was well, even when it wasn't, a strength today
he's the one who taught me how to run fast
my reason for feeling pretty on most days
and who helped me hold on to a dream
of walking down the runway and eventually learning
it wasn't for me anyhow, I've not the heart
for all those folks who'd want me skin on bone
a dream I had that helped me learn to walk tall
sit tall and wear whatever the heck I want
doc martins are by far my favorite
black is now my bestest friend
though it's too late to look thinner
hiding in the corner a little girl sits and waits
wonders why this lady has been so mean
she must have had an awful life to be so hateful
I've grown strong because of her
Mike cried the day I told him I wouldn't have
survived if not for him, he was in the same pain
for different reasons - although watching didn't help
I had lunch with him today, my big brother
We've grown up hard and learned to love
for everyone is suffering something
isn't that what the emails say - be kind to all
you never know what bridge a person had to cross
this morning

un-expectation

Sweet memories of days (or is that years?) gone by
words to the feelings I was holding
returned at the sight of your name – what a blessing
your presence is like liquid sunshine
raining on a cloudy day, downtime, me time

Is there a master plan or are we all just so connected
that we know when to appear?
for ourselves, each other or another’s healing
unknown sorrows, lost awakenings and dreams gone by
hidden in the corners of our inner self

The exposure to Self from self exhilarating
and yet what is the next choice I will make
in this wondrous place I’ve come to
that feels familiar and not, at the same time
a place I’ve come to grow and be more me

Iris LaVerne

Happy Birthday Mommy!
born 3/18/1935

Days of old

I sing to you in silence my hearts desire
and wish upon a star for dreams come true
I talk out loud of what is tangible yet unimportant
in the scheme of life and all it's glory between us
The hurt I lay at your feet is my way of wishing
without talking for you to see me and stay as I grow
I wish to be only loving and supportive but somehow
my fear projects something other than that and we cry
for what is not and what we thought would be on this day
I offer you the freedom to be who you are and yet I often
take that back with words of discontent and heartbreak
Wishing you your dreams shouldn't interfere with mine
and I alone am responsible for the outcome of my works
My desire to be with you has nothing to do with what you
have to offer me and everything to do with what I feel in
your presence and who I am with you, more me somehow,
full of laughter and lightness of heart. My wish for us
is understanding of who we are individually and our role
in this world, both individually and together as a couple.

Too much

Sometimes a little is too much
even if I know it doesn't matter
that nothing can come between us
and it means nothing anymore
sometimes a little is too much
and when you hold me in your arms
I never question your emotions
knowing you are there for me
sometimes too much is not enough
when I ask you what you're feeling
and you say it's nothing new
when I know my partner's healing
and there's nothing I need to do
just let the winds blow
and the sun rise to a new day
sometimes a little is too much

a new year

I wonder why the new year brings such hope?
There's no difference between dec31 and jan1
but so many believe with each new year
that life will be better somehow,
easier, gentler, brighter;
with the belief that events will happen
we've been waiting for.
I know it's just a state of mind,
perception ahh - is everything.
Sad that we look for the new year to offer hope
instead of owning it, as our birthright