The most precious gift we can offer others is our presence.
When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.

Thich Nhat Hanh

If I could feel the summer sun in this moment
I'd rather have the snow falling
it's warmer then, she said
I love the warmth of its' heart on my skin
the breath I can see and feel in my ear
the sound of your voice slows my heart rate
and the touch of your skin speeds it up

oh the sun lights my life and my window panes
I can hear a sudden call of the wild.

tiny fingers and toes

tiny tot so soft and true
I hold you in the highest
pitter patter on the floor
no walking here for you
from crawl to run how fitting

time spent lying silent in her womb
anticipation elevated
tiny heartbeat steal my love forever
and the smile awakens my spirit
to sunny joy

i hear you coughing scary sound
and fever high like heat
they say that sickness takes its time
no danger in your lungs
the fear i have is fleeting

curly hair and deep brown eyes
surrounded by black lashes
skin like caramel cream
those dimples when you smile at me
turn a broken heart to mush

how could anyone miss this
so many children
so little care in the world
indonesia, romania, and africa a few
tiny fingers and toes
no smile upon their faces

wake up world and look around
the gifts are not in packages
it's in the little faces
of lonely children
mothers dying from disease
and fathers fighting the war

i wake up every morning
to the smiling face of this baby boy
arms outstretched and waiting
for grandma
to spoil him one more day

the blessings are endless
if i awaken to them

black friday

everyone's buying
get up early
shop til you drop
best presents town can offer
credit card maxed
payment on the way

economy is poor right now
the merchants are aware
they open stores at midnight
and some still 4 am
in hopes of bringing spenders
with plastic in their wallet

the Christmas spirit long gone
gifts are piled up high
the table isn't set tonight
no time for groceries and certainly
no money in the bank

Christ was born on Christmas Day
so many years before
I hope my gifts are fitting now
to share this day of mourning
so friends, lets have cake
instead of breakfast food

So I learned how to post pictures
you guessed...smile for me!
I like bears today can you tell?

if i could stretch out and lay beside you
i'd be happy in my skin and safe
oh but life is just an image in your mind

I'm gonna learn how to post pictures yet.

it's warm today
like spring in winter
65 degrees in late november
i like surprises
like this one, unexpected spring

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, turkey day!
To the beach I go with a friend
down time prayer time thoughtfulness
i need - decisions take time you know
and the body needs to heal

as leaves fall and darkness sets early
internal hibernation has its place
my green room my safe room
my higher power visible to only me
i go easily and anxiously awaiting the next

message.

It's almost a holiday
turkey on my plate
it's almost another day
tears upon my wall
it is what it is and
expectations can destroy a person's spontaneity.

I am.

It's gloomy outside today in Baltimore, even damp. Rain trickles down from time to time and the threat of snow for Thanksgiving has been handed down. I'm sad today, and happy to have been blessed by the life of my sister Mary. Today is her birthday, and she would be 42 if she had not taken her life that Thursday evening, in 1996. I miss her. I am a different person because she was in my life, and because she loved me so easily, she was my dearest friend. Best friends don't come easily though I have always had a few - best friends that are also sisters are a treasure to behold, and never replaceable. I have many sisters, and I love them all - I miss Mary and I always will.

I think I'm going to be single soon, is that so bad? Why does it cause so many tears to speak my truth? I wish only good things for you, even if it means to leave you, lest I destroy what joy you have left, or mine...

It's gloomy outside today and inside too.

Ceremony

Red alter dotted with glass
the four directions noted
feminine and masculine present too
of course

I've a red stick tied with tobacco
in a red cloth for my gift.

Words escape me but this feeling,
none other can I describe
as pure - and blood flows through my body
with a question of how and why or when.

Only gratitude is present here
and silence.

Truth be known I want the answers given to me
instead of waiting to see for myself.
I trust and so I continue in silence and wait.

Progress?

It's scarey to me
we look like robots
attached to devices
that define us
or tell us the next move to make.

Cell phones
and blackberry's
with blue tooth in the ear,
no commitments
can be made
until I check my calendar,
and no sooner than next month.

Appointment with my girl friend
for a date and physical affection.

My laptop's in the closet
someone hacked it just last month.
I have to buy a new one now
lest I stop and go get drunk.

Robots in this city life
go back from whence we came
where daughters loved their mothers
and they carried on the name!

Rain

upon my face gently pouring
tears unseen
joy and sadness neither
just pure delight
in the blessing of your gift
i play with angels in my sleep
and miss those gone past
one and many
jesus has a gentle heart
and so do I when
all that is before me
behind me and within me
i share with you

It's another beautiful day as the sun shines and my work week ends. Goddess is everywhere I turn, within and without...and life is good. This evening I will thank the heavens for all my recent blessings and those to come - seen and unseen - my first ceremony. Tomorrow is another day, and hopefully I'll awaken to it in the same space.

it's funny what happens when I put my fingers to the keyboard, I suppose it is true about typing...my fingers work almost as quickly as my brain, well sort of. I have written two posts this morning and both I cleared without knowing I was doing so...I hate to lose those moments of clarity when I unknowingly put the fingers to the board and come up with light.

I wrote this in November

I awaken to thoughts of stories I've read, and memories, and a sense of wonder at why all this takes place in any given life or group of lives. I'm reminded why I am exposed to the events and choices of those around me and those I love. I know why I am drawn to emotionally detached AND those with a depth equal to the one I deny in myself. I am in the moment now, and it is not a place I don't like, in fact I love this moment, this quiet, this having a recognition of all my blessings, dark and light. I am to create a ceremony before next Saturday, of gratitude to the Gods and Guides for this life I have gained, and these tools I have been given. I visualize the circle that surrounds me, envelopes me, and enlightens me. I am the person I choose to become, in every moment. My thoughts lead me to the darkness of me, or the light of me. I am equally both. The light is lighter and the darkness is often harder to conquer, though I've always enjoyed an uphill climb.

My Haven

Other than Marlena's heart
your arms are my haven
you wrap me gently in sunshine and warm air
water surrounds my body
waves push ever forward
to move me through the ocean
your majestic dream and sea of life

I saw Dolphins playing in your back yard
and longed to be connected
yet I know that I am
we all are
to you
and all that lives and breathes your air

My Higher Power
God/Goddess/All that is
I have found peace
and it resides in you
through me and all your children
I need only open my heart
my eyes and my mind
it is right here before me
surrounding me with love
and I thank you all days

...And so on this Thursday morning I am faced with the choice of waking up or staying in bed - I choose to wake up and face the morning, and the beginning of another day. I have chocolate and Frito's for breakfast, knowing full well they are bad for me - but for just one moment - it makes things better somehow - than digging into the truth and changing my future forever. One day, I will wake up gloriously ready to do just that, make the change that will catapult me forward, for now - the comfort of the familiar and the joy in everyday little things keeps me here, until the next time.

Beautiful Alex - death by overdose

Where the hell is everyone when you ask for them?
In the same place we’ve always been,
you can’t see us with your eyes and heart closed Alex.

Where were you when I cried out in pain, when no one caught me as I was falling?
No one was there; I was so alone…?
In the same place they’ve always been
you can’t see them with your arms crossed and your head down Alex.

Why the hell didn’t someone save me from my misery all those years?
It was obvious I was in my own hell - bound for disaster?
You can’t be saved from that which you are running away, Alex.

I want you now; I want to return to that which I see is possible,
Oh my God it’s too late, how could that have happened, wait a minute,
I’m not done, I want to try again, and I want to try again…
You can’t return to that which you have not been able to see, Alex.

Life is a gift given only ‘one day at a time’…
We must embrace it – honor it – cherish it – or we will lose it, Alex.
It’s not a game of ‘see if I can catch on’ or ‘maybe next time’,
or tonight I’m going to use and escape this excruciating darkness inside me…

Many have gone before you; you’ve seen it,
YOU have witnessed it, and chose to close your eyes to it, or did you?
The pain too great? The hurt too deep?
Your lonely heart and empty memories of babies being held could not survive.
And all your humble questions went unanswered, and many souls were cruel.

And you are gone and we are left with memories of Alex –
with a needle in his arm.


8june04
ellen c scruggs

Another Lover

As I grieve yet another lover
I have come to realize I must change NOW.
The depth of which I am capable of loving
is far less than I have told myself for years.

I love deep, I love hard and I love passionately
but only to a point - beyond that you suffer.

I wish not to damage myself or another
in my quest to fill a void from which can only be within.
No outside choice will make this darkness fill with light,
a journey to my own heart is where the healing lies,

AND the joy.

So here I sit with direction, vision and hope,
for wholeness and truth and enlightenment.
That which I was ignorant enough to believe had
years ago and many heartaches prior.

My process is unlike any other - this day.
It comes with the experience and the memory
of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual sadness,
and a gentle realization that I have come to this place

by divine love.


February 16, 2004